I feel it’s time to just let all of this out…
Where is all of this going? Why me? Why now? When does it end?
‘Life’s a rollercoaster’ is such a cliché but at the moment it really seems to describe my life perfectly. For someone who is not working, life sure seems complex. The past couple of weeks have been emotionally charged and difficult to process. As I sit here I feel overwhelmed. There is something brewing in me and I’m not quite sure what it is.
I feel called to put myself out there and engage with others who are in a similar situation but with that comes emotional stress. It seems like it always involves receiving negative news. Watching others suffer is not easy for me. Lets be honest, it’s not easy for anyone. In the past two weeks I received the news that a fellow melanoma patient passed away, an online friend of mine discovered that his medication is no longer working and a hometown friend’s lung cancer has progressed. I find this really heavy and it’s difficult to detach these stories from my own. I want them to get better but I can’t control any of this.
Despite all of this it really felt good last night to celebrate the Blue Jays victory. With all that is going on around me it feels great to sink myself into something positive. The energy around this Blue Jays team is contagious and I don’t want it to end. In the sixth inning I was growing a little concerned that they wouldn’t pull it off and it worried me that I wouldn’t have anything to distract me. This was an eye opener and made me realize that I need to find something productive to keep me on track. I would have never been aware of this years ago.
Living in three-month increments sucks and I wish I no longer had to live this emotional journey. It’s too much. Knowing that in two weeks the results determine my next three months is shitty. Two weeks before the scans arrive I seem to shut down and doubt my future. Then the anxiety builds for the scans and this is followed by a two-week waiting period. It’s the longest two weeks you could ever imagine.
During this time I begin to doubt everything. It feels like self-sabotage and I question everything I am doing. Not fun. I question the value of this Ten Percent project. Does anyone really care? Is there any value in sharing such negative feelings and all of this heavy emotion? I need to go back to work. I’m lazy. Life sucks. I feel sorry for myself. Where’s the meaning in all of this? Blah.
My mind goes off to a dark place. A place that is difficult to describe. I live in flux. I see the good in this experience and all that I have learned but at the same time I hate everything about it. I feel stuck. I want out. I want normalcy. Nothing more.
I strive to be that inspiring person that overcomes adversity but then I think that’s just ego fulfilling bullshit. I don’t care to be a hero. I just want to live. I want to get my life back on track and do what everyone else does.
Does it sound like I am rambling? It does to me but this is what goes on in my head. There’s an ongoing dialogue that never turns off. I see cancer everywhere and the suffering. It seems like I will never escape it. I want to give this blog post more structure but there seems to be more value in just vomiting out my emotions and thoughts.
Today I feel lost. I don’t want sympathy I just need to be heard. With that comes tears and I am ok with that.
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