Emotional Vomit
Oct201515

I feel it’s time to just let all of this out…

Where is all of this going?  Why me?  Why now?  When does it end?

‘Life’s a rollercoaster’ is such a cliché but at the moment it really seems to describe my life perfectly.  For someone who is not working, life sure seems complex.  The past couple of weeks have been emotionally charged and difficult to process.  As I sit here I feel overwhelmed.  There is something brewing in me and I’m not quite sure what it is.

I  feel called to put myself out there and engage with others who are in a similar situation but with that comes emotional stress.  It seems like it always involves receiving negative news.  Watching others suffer is not easy for me.  Lets be honest, it’s not easy for anyone.  In the past two weeks I received the news that a fellow melanoma patient passed away, an online friend of mine discovered that his medication is no longer working and a hometown friend’s lung cancer has progressed.  I find this really heavy and it’s difficult to detach these stories from my own.  I want them to get better but I can’t control any of this.

Despite all of this it really felt good last night to celebrate the Blue Jays victory.  With all that is going on around me it feels great to sink myself into something positive.  The energy around this Blue Jays team is contagious and I don’t want it to end.  In the sixth inning I was growing a little concerned that they wouldn’t pull it off and it worried me that I wouldn’t have anything to distract me.  This was an eye opener and made me realize that I need to find something productive to keep me on track.  I would have never been aware of this years ago.

Living in three-month increments sucks and I wish I no longer had to live this emotional journey.  It’s too much.  Knowing that in two weeks the results determine my next three months is shitty.  Two weeks before the scans arrive I seem to shut down and doubt my future.  Then the anxiety builds for the scans and this is followed by a two-week waiting period.  It’s the longest two weeks you could ever imagine.

During this time I begin to doubt everything.  It feels like self-sabotage and I question everything I am doing.  Not fun.  I question the value of this Ten Percent project.  Does anyone really care?  Is there any value in sharing such negative feelings and all of this heavy emotion?  I need to go back to work.  I’m lazy.  Life sucks.  I feel sorry for myself.  Where’s the meaning in all of this?  Blah.

My mind goes off to a dark place.  A place that is difficult to describe.  I live in flux.  I see the good in this experience and all that I have learned but at the same time I hate everything about it.  I feel stuck.  I want out.  I want normalcy.  Nothing more.

I strive to be that inspiring person that overcomes adversity but then I think that’s just ego fulfilling bullshit.  I don’t care to be a hero.  I just want to live.  I want to get my life back on track and do what everyone else does.

Does it sound like I am rambling?  It does to me but this is what goes on in my head.  There’s an ongoing dialogue that never turns off.  I see cancer everywhere and the suffering.  It seems like I will never escape it.  I want to give this blog post more structure but there seems to be more value in just vomiting out my emotions and thoughts.

Today I feel lost.  I don’t want sympathy I just need to be heard.  With that comes tears and I am ok with that.

26 comments

  1. Tricia says:

    If it’s any consolation, we’re all behind you every step of the way. xo

  2. Erin says:

    I have been meaning to put in an order for some shirts for Christmas gifts….your post has lit a fire under my butt (order done)….you should NOT question the value of “this Ten Percent Project”.
    xoxo
    Erin

  3. Janie says:

    I hear you.

  4. Dora says:

    I’m so proud of you! Being open and asking yourself ‘what else could it mean’ will take you down paths of discovery that you never thought imaginable. Thanks for sharing Mark, you give us all so much insight and empathy when you do.

    Make it a great day!
    X Dori

  5. Dawna Watson says:

    I Hear you Mark!

  6. Kath says:

    I hear you! My life has been an emotional roller coaster both with cancer, cancer collateral damage, and LUPUS. Living from test to test, scan to scan. Just wanting to be “normal” even for a short while. Reality is, cancer may leave your body, but it will never leave your life. One of the main reasons, is your are now connected the cancer community and you care. You CARE. Which is how ten percent came to be in the first place. Every time I wear my TENPERCENT shirt, I think of you and Lynne & the girls. It’s personal. The reality is not everyone survives. But some do. I did. 9yrs this month. With 0 chance of making 9 months at time of dx. I never have gotton off that “rollercoaster”! I have, over time, just learned to ride it without feeling like I’m going to puke. I am always here…. always.
    *Love* & *Light*
    Kath (#teamnanny)

  7. Karie says:

    What you are doing has value to so many, for many reasons. Don’t stop. You are doing important work.

  8. Helena says:

    Mark.
    sorry to tell you but the emotional rollercoaster that you are on is life for everyone else. No I am not battling cancer, but there are a million other things that people are working through each and everyday. I struggled with worrying about my grandsons and where they were (foster homes) and the court system and CAS until finally we got to adopt them. Everything should be wonderful right, wrong. There is the daily struggle of am I doing the right thing. I don’t know who I am, I am depressed, not happy, wondering if it is going to get any better.
    Yes it is a struggle but every time, I get a hug or a smile or a kiss it makes my day just a little bit brighter and I can carry on the fight for one more day.

    • MarkNewman says:

      Hey Helena! I hope my post didn’t sound like I’m saying my situation is worse than anyone else’s. I know many people personally who are in a more challenging spot than I am right now. I appreciate your perspective on this and I think what you are doing for your grandchildren is very courageous. They belong with family.

  9. Alex says:

    Courage Mark!! I can imagine the pain… But don’t give up! More people then you think care and Ten Percent is an amazing project and I can see one important meaning, which is giving hope to other families and making them feel like they are not alone. That alone means so much. Alex xo

  10. Tracy says:

    Mark you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
    You are not alone! Please know that you can call me anytime!
    Love you❤️

  11. Taste Anne says:

    Stay strong Mark. We love you!!!

  12. Christina murphy says:

    Hello Mark! My heart grieves for what you are going through. I have no idea what this is like. If I ever imagine what it will be like to get a 10 percent diagnosis and the fear of my kids not having a mother, I have no comfort except one thing: I know 100 percent I will be in heaven one day and I know 100 percent my kids will be there too and so if I pass (today I. A car accident for example) I have this single comfort that can never be stolen from me. I imagine this seems unbelievable or offensive. Could I ever have the opportunity to share this with you and then you can decide if it is believable? I would drive out your way. I do not mean to offend and I feel like if I don’t offer this I’m robbing you of what I have. Christina. Murphy.

    • MarkNewman says:

      Hey Christina! Thanks for reaching out. It has been a long time. I totally get what you are saying. Somedays are more difficult than others and yesterday was one of those crappy ones!

  13. Cathy Wood says:

    Very poignant writing Mark. Sounds like a cliche but sometimes all you can do is go day by day and week by week. Best Wishes for your health.

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